Breakeven
by xXxBlackwaterQueenxXx
Summary: "You deserve someone who can give you everything you've ever wanted. I'd only ever be able to give you myself, and my love. But him, he could give you the world, Lee, and that's what you deserve." Blackwater Oneshot. Rated T because I'm paranoid.


**A random idea I got for a oneshot from listening to The Script - Breakeven. As always, it's up to you if you listen while you read :] I worked really hard on it, so I hope you like it! ^^ Don't forget to leave a review to let me know :] Sorry for any mistakes, its _seriously _late at night and I've read it through, but I'm tired :L.**

**Much love,**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight :(...**

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"She's gone, Jake." It still hurt to hear it, to have it put so simply when it felt like the most complicated thing in the world. "She gone. You know she hated it here. She's not going to come home. It's time to move on." The words were followed by a warm hand on my shoulder, in a comforting gesture. Surprisingly, the hand belonged to Paul. He'd really mellowed out since he married my sister a couple years ago...She didn't even come home for the wedding. I sighed as the now-constant ache in my chest throbbed painfully. At first I'd been able to pretend that she was still here. That at any minute she'd come crashing through the door ready to kick my ass for something random. But all too soon that feeling had disappeared, and I'd missed her every single second of every day for the last few years.

See, it was my fault she left. I should have been stronger, waited maybe just a few more months, until she was more sure of herself. But I couldn't do it. I'd loved her for so long, since before Renesmee was born and the Volturi came. And then when I Imprinted on Nessie I fought to break it. I said it was because it wouldn't look good, the heir of Ephraim Black Imprinting on a half-vampire half-human hybrid, even if Nessie was a lovely little girl when you got to know her. I broke the Imprint eventually. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I did it for her. I knew she was still getting over Sam, so I waited. I was so determined not to hurt her. I would have waited a lifetime if it had meant she would love me. She enrolled in College, and although not everyone approved I let her stop patrolling so she could study. I supported her, and defended her, and encouraged her, and in the end it was all worth it when she passed her exams with flying colours. The look on her face when she found out her results was worth every extra patrol I took up and argument I got into with the guys. I wanted to go to College too – surprisingly, I hadn't actually done that bad in high school. But I put all that on hold for her, because I knew she needed it and wanted it more than I did. It was my fault. I should have been stronger. But I wasn't. She told me her results and we were both so happy, and I guess we just got carried away.

It felt so natural to be there with her, and the next thing I knew I was kissing her. Just a gentle brush of lips, but I swear the world stopped. And then she was kissing me back and I thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be okay. They weren't. She broke the kiss and left. One minute, she was there, and the next she was gone, and my front door was wide open. I went over to hers the next day to apologise. That's when Sue told me that she had left. Just packed her bags, called a cab and left. She didn't answer my calls, and when I used another phone she hung up when she heard my voice. In the beginning she wouldn't even speak to Sue or Seth, let alone me, but after a few weeks she let them say what they needed to say.

Sue had already vented all her anger to the rest of us. Not that she let her daughter's sudden disappearance drop. She told her that if she ever did anything like it again she would be in _big _trouble, but it was half-hearted and quickly replaced with 'I miss you's. Sue asked her when she was coming home; she said she didn't know. Sue asked her where she was; she wouldn't say. She didn't want me to know.

That hurt almost more than her actual leaving did. That she didn't want me to come after her. She didn't want to see me, speak to me, or have anything to do with me. I hadn't told anyone about what had happened that day between us, or about my attempts to call her. But when she told her mother outright that she didn't want me to know where she was, all eyes turned to me, and I had to explain. It was easy getting them to believe me. Seth could see into my head, and his belief was enough for the rest of them. Then, when we combined the packs again, they could all see. Nobody was mad, surprisingly.

Sometimes I wish they had been. It would have been easier to live with than the pitying glances, and the sympathetic thoughts that accidentally slipped in their minds when they phased in on me reliving one of the recurring dreams I had about her, or caught me trying to see if she was phased too. She never was. _"Leah? Lee? Are you there? Honey, please...please be there..."_

The same plea every day. The same dream every night. I liked the dream when I was in it, but when I woke it became more of a waking nightmare.

Me. Her. First Beach at midnight. She'd be wrapped up in my arms and holding me just as tightly, like at any moment I would let her go and she would disappear. Her features would be half-lit up by the soft moonlight, but she'd always looked beautiful to me. She'd cling to me, tell me she loved me, promise me she wouldn't ever leave me again. _"It's us against the world, Jake," _she'd say. I'd believed that, once upon a time. In my dreams, I could tell her how I felt, how much she meant to me – but when I woke up with those moments running through my mind, it hurt. The dream was nothing more than just that: a dream. A taunt. A constant reminder of what I would never have. It hurt more than I'd ever thought was possible.

The weeks turned into months, and soon into years, and still she wouldn't speak to me. I stopped trying. Kept hurting. Seth and Sue tried to bring me up, when they spoke to her on the phone. Soon all the others were trying too: Sam, Emily, Rachel, Jared, Quil, Embry – Hell, she even spoke to _Paul_. But not me. Never me. They mentioned me or asked if she was ready to speak to me yet, or even blurted out how much I missed her. All they heard in reply was a dial tone. She didn't care about me anymore.

I found out all I knew about her from the others. She was up North, had a good job, a flat of her own. She'd stopped phasing and was back to normal again.

The first I heard about _him _was when Sue had come over to see Dad. Neither of them knew I was home, and with my wolf-improved hearing it was hard _not _to hear. An artist, apparently. From a fairly well-off background, so she said, but he was cool about it. Didn't throw his money around. She'd moved in with him, and not because it would be easier to split the rent with another person. By then she'd been gone just over two years, and the pain was still the same. Thinking of her with someone else cut me up in a way I couldn't even describe. I thought I was going to die when I heard about the engagement.

And then it was Rachel and Rebecca's birthdays, although Becca was still out in Hawaii. But we mailed her the presents and cards and she promised to visit soon. And then the others started planning Rachel's party. When I heard that _she _was coming home to wish her best friend a happy birthday, I didn't know what to do. So I went outside and sat on Paul and Rachel's porch steps. That was when Paul had told me to move on, but I knew I wouldn't. I couldn't.

So when the time of the party rolled around, I left. I went down to First Beach and sat on the sand, and stayed there. Even after all these years of wanting to see her, I couldn't bring myself to be in the same room as her. I didn't want to hurt anymore. So I stayed there, on my own, until the sky darkened and the temperature dropped, and I was certain that was nearing the middle of the night. That was when she found me.

I caught her scent before I saw her, and when she slowly sat down beside me I tried not to look at her. I only managed few seconds. My memories and dreams hadn't done her justice. She was more than beautiful. Leah Clearwater gazed out at the inky darkness that was the sea, and sighed. For more than a minute we sat in complete silence. Leah was careful to keep a certain amount of distance between us, and I didn't know what hurt more; the fact that she didn't want to touch me, or how it felt to think that even if I reached out and touched her now, pulled her into my arms, she wasn't mine and never would be.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was exactly the same as I remembered it, even when whispering. That and the knowledge that she was so close made my heart fill with a kind of nervous warmth, and in that moment all I wanted was to tear my hair out in frustration and cry. I didn't want to love her anymore. It was killing me, and I hated it. But there was nothing I could do.

I didn't tell her it was alright. Because it wasn't. "I'm sorry, too," I murmured instead, willing the pain to go away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Leah turn her head to look at me in confusion.

"You did nothing wrong, Jake," she said. "I was the one who left. I was the one who refused to speak to you." I shook my head, hugging my knees closer to my chest and fixing my gaze on the sand in front of me.

"This whole thing is my fault," I said, glad that it didn't show in my voice how much I was hurting. "You wouldn't have left if it wasn't for me. If I'd been stronger, better...I'm not sorry I kissed you. I'm just sorry that I kissed you then. I should have known better." Leah was shaking her head now, a frown crossing her face.

"No, Jacob. I should have been more mature. I was a coward. I ran away because I was scared. I was scared of how sudden it was, and of what I felt for you. I hate myself for leaving you like that."

"Then why didn't you come home?" It was the question I'd been waiting almost four years to ask. Why?

"I..." Leah looked away from me, down at the sand, and sighed again. "I just couldn't."

"Why didn't you speak to me?" I pressed, the frustration building inside me. "Why didn't you just let me know where you were? Why did you hang up every time someone tried to tell you how much I missed you?" The frustration didn't feel angry. It felt indignant. I felt betrayed. Leah was silent for a few moments. Then she looked at me again, and the corner of her mouth twitched slightly upwards.

"Come on, Jake...there had to have been a couple girls? The entire female population of La Push is after you." She was trying to lighten the atmosphere, but the attempt fell flat.

"Not one," I answered quietly. I hadn't so much as looked at another girl in the last four years.

The surprise was evident on her face. I'd bet money that Leah had been relying on me moving on while she was away. Like she had. The irony of the situation dawned on me, and I couldn't help but let out a small snort of laughter. Once upon a time, in another life, she'd said I was the lucky one, that I had all I could ever want. Funny how now I was the one with nothing, while she was the one with everything. "What is it?" she asked.

"Look at us," I mumbled bitterly, looking out at the starry horizon. "Who would've thought we'd end up like this?" Silence. I shook my head slowly. "We were happy, once," I continued. "Now I'm a wreck and you're...still happy, I guess, seeing as you have...him."

"Mom told you, didn't she?" All I could do was nod. Another sigh. "I won't make you come to the wedding. If you don't want to come, I'll understand."

Hearing her talk about it just made it seem more real. Just made it hurt more. "I don't know if I can, Lee," I murmured, honestly. "It would hurt too much." She only nodded. More silence. It was almost more painful than actually talking to her. "I broke the Imprint for you." I didn't mean for it to slip out. But when it did, there was no stopping the rest from coming out as well. "I love you," I said, and I thought it might kill me to know she couldn't say it back. Why did Fate have to be so cruel? I swallowed hard, ignoring the look on her face, and tried to carry on. "I've loved you since before Nessie was born. I broke the Imprint because I wanted to be with you, and I knew how much Imprinting had hurt you before. But I knew you were still healing from Sam, so I decided to wait. I was going to wait until you were healed again, until you were ready. I thought maybe, if I tried, you might be able to love me back." My voice was getting harder to control as my heart clenched painfully at the memories flooding my mind, and I fought to keep the tears at bay. I wanted her to know everything, once and for all. To bare the heart and soul she'd broken.

"If I had been stronger, I wouldn't have kissed you. It just felt so natural and right and...that's why it's my fault. I shouldn't have gotten caught up in the moment. I should have been better. I went over to apologise the day after, but you were gone. And then you wouldn't speak to me, and after a while I had to stop pretending you were still here, because it hurt too much. I kept trying to get through to you in wolf form, to see if you'd phased, but...there was nothing. I missed you so much, Lee. All the time, even when I slept..." I trailed off then, trying to keep my voice under control as it almost cracked. What had I done to deserve this? I swallowed again, forcing myself not to look at her. "But then I found out about Chris. I figured I should have seen it coming. You deserve someone who can give you everything you've ever wanted. I'd only ever be able to give you myself, and my love. But him, he could give you the world, Lee, and that's what you deserve." A cool sensation ran down my cheek, but I didn't wipe the tears away. She was sitting opposite side to me, so I hoped she wouldn't see.

"Jake..." I couldn't place the emotion in her voice when she whispered my name. I looked up, and hated the look I saw on her face. Leah looked like she was the heartbroken one. A jolt of pain ran through me when I saw the tears brimming in her eyes, and had to force myself not to reach out and brush them away as they ran down her face. "There's something you should know." She took a deep breath, looking anywhere but at me as she sniffed. What was it? What could possibly break me even more? Fate had taken enough away from me; why did it have to keep hurting me? "I haven't told anyone yet," Leah whispered, so quietly that I wouldn't have heard her if it wasn't for my sensitive hearing. "I'm pregnant."

I decided, then, that there couldn't possibly be a God. He wouldn't let this happen. Leah was pregnant. I'd messed up, I wasn't good enough, and now another man got to love her, marry her, have a family with her. "This is all so wrong," I said, and I let my voice do whatever it wanted. I closed my eyes, not even able to tell if the tears were still falling because of the sudden chill that had come over me. "You should be marrying me. We should be having the little house with the white picket fence. You should be having my children..." I opened my eyes, looking up at the sky. I couldn't have cared less if a meteor had fallen and killed me on the spot. In fact, I'd probably be happy about it.

"You'll find someone else, Jake," Leah said. "You will..." It sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than convince me.

"I won't," I said simply, and I knew it was true. "Whether you like it or not, you got both of us. Him and me. And it's my fault." She took everything, and left me with nothing. "You were always the best part of me, Lee. They say bad things happen for a reason, and I just can't figure out why this is happening to me," I added in a low murmur. "I'll love you for the rest of my life. I don't want to. But I will. I just hope it doesn't always hurt this much."

"I'm so sorry, Jacob," Leah whispered, getting unsteadily to her feet. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen." She hesitated for a moment. "I did love you." I swallowed hard and nodded. I knew she'd intended it to be a comfort, but didn't make much of a difference.

"I still love you," I whispered back. I wanted to stand up and hug her to me, but I knew that if I did, letting her go again really would kill me. "Just tell me one thing, Leah." I didn't know why I was doing this. Why was I giving her the power to crush me one more time?

"Anything," she breathed. I closed my eyes again. If only I could hide from the pain as easily as I could hide from my surroundings.

"Do you love him more than you love me?"

She was silent for almost an entire minute. The longest minute of my entire life. But I knew her answer before she even spoke it aloud. "Yes." I nodded. Of course. Of course she loved him more. I should have expected it. So why couldn't I breathe? "Goodbye, Jake," Leah murmured, and it was a few moments before I could speak. I didn't open my eyes. I half-expected to see my own heart trampled and bleeding on the ground in front of me, should I dare open them.

"Goodbye, Lee." She turned then, and began walking away from me, up the beach. I didn't move. I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel anymore. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live anymore. Leah was my reason for living, and she had just left me for the second time. Was this what it felt like when Sam had left her? Somehow, I knew it wasn't. I knew this hurt more. And I knew Leah did too. In my dream, she had loved me back. In reality, she had taken my heart and shattered it beyond repair.

In my dream, she had promised to be with me forever. In reality, Leah Clearwater, the love of my life, had walked away.

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Leah covered her hand with her mouth as she walked away from him. It stifled her sobs, but nothing could stop the tears. They streamed freely down her face, warm, almost burning. She didn't know how she had managed to bring herself to watch him break down in front of her, to hear him explain his feelings for her, and yet still walk away. She didn't know how she had managed to hear him ask that question, and not break down herself.

_Do you love him more than you love me?_

But most of all, Leah didn't know how she had brought herself to lie.

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**God, it broke my heart to write this :( If you need something to cheer you up I have a happy one & two shot of these two, so I'm off to read them to make myself feel better :L Let me know what you think! Was it okay? :S Was it terrible? xxxx**


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